Friday the 13th.

Friday.

My first subject was lengua española and I was anxious. I was worried with every little thing on that subject. I can't speak my mind. My teacher arranged our seating arrangement and unfortunately I was assigned at the back. When she started teaching and writing in the blackboard, I couldn't barely see the words. And I realized that I have poor eyesight [OK, Another reason to be anxious] I pretended that I wrote everything what she says and writes. And the bell rung [Thank goodness]. I asked politely to her, If I could change my seat and she said yes, She even told me, that we're going to talk about possible difficulties I could have in the coming days. And she was gone.

OK. Here comes the Ethics, my 2nd subject. I wasn't nervous nor scared on that subject because I already took that last year and my professor is pretty cool.

Literatura Universal, the new one. My prof in Ética and L.Universal are the same. What would I expect? BUT, when he started explaining what it could be, I almost cried. But of course, I stopped. And he told us to write anything, anything what we like, anything what's on our mind. And I was like :| I had teary eyed for the second time. But I did what he said, I wrote everything what I feel and think, on that time, so it goes like this. . . .

El grande desafio de mi vida.[Wrong grammar, it should be GRAN]
No se que puede occura después
No se cual carretera eligo.
No se que decision tomaré.
No se quiero hacer.
Solo se que yo solo misma puede contestar esas preguntas.
A veces, si pienso si conozco a mi misma.

Wrong grammar. [Embarrassed] -_-"

I was teary eyed when I was writing that poem. I didn't know what to do, what to write. . . Everything was so difficult. I surrendered.

After a 30mins break time, my heart was at ease.
Then, back to normal, but this time, I ENJOYED and felt relax. I was in Musica kasi.
After that, I had plastica. We went outside to pick some dried leafs, flowers, rocks, etc. etc. to use it on her subject. Then, someone knocked the door, I was smiling when I see her. It was CRISTINA- The ONE AND ONLY nice española. I hugged her, I missed her so much. And I was shocked when she told me she's teaching in the same school as mine. She asked me, If I was okay. And I started crying. I felt very sorry and shamed. I told to myself Dude! Unang pagkikita niyo pa lang, nag dadrama ka na sa kanya? Mahiya ka naman!. But Cristina always understand what I'm going through. She always be the best! She tried to make me smile. I tried too. But I really can't. I told her I am going to stop schooling and she said If I'm having a hard time, I can call her she is willing to help me to my subjects. Cristina is really nice and sweet. But I remembered that I still have Plastica. I stopped crying and hugged her once again, And she was gone. I REALLY REALLY LIKE AND LOVE HER!!! My heart was delighted.

Last subject, ENGLISH. One American Girl came to practice us. "english conversation class". Her name was Caitlin. It was fun. I felt much better. After that!! Going Home!

When I was walking thru home, I was thinking very carefully.

Came home. I suddenly picked up my phone and called my mom. I told her to connect on YM, right away. She was worried.

5mins.later. They were online. Our PC on our house was broken so she was at my cousin's place.

Mama: Anong poblema anak?
Ako: Ma, ayaw ko na mag aral.
Mama: [may kinakausap] Ano?
Ako: Ayaw.... [Nangingiyak na ako]
---------
Ako: Ayaw ko na mag aral.
Mama: Bakit anak?
Ako: Ang hirap eh.
Mama: Anak, makakaya mo din iyan. Kaya mo iyan.
Ako: ---------------- [Umiiyak]
Mama:Anak, paano yung mga libro na binili natin?
Anak:Ayaw ko na nga. Bahala na.
Mama: Anak,pumasok ka pa.
---------------------------
Mama: Anak kaya mo pa iyan, tatlong araw ka pa lang pumapasok.
Anak, sa umpisa lang iyan. Masasanay ka din.
Ako: ------------
Mama: Anak naririnig mo ko?
Ako: --------------------
Mama: Umiiyak ka daw sabi ni Bunine
Ako: Huhuhuhuhuhu [Hagulgol]
Mama: [Naiiyak] O sige anak, kung ayaw mo na, tumigil ka na. . . . Hayaan mo na yung mga libro mo, magagamit ni Paul yun.
Ako: Sau. .. sau. . [Iyak] Sauli mo lahat ng binili mo sa akin diyan.

Naaawa ako sa Mama ko. I was torn between her and my decision. And I want to suffer for what I've done. I even told her to refund all [shoes,bag..] that she bought for me. I don't deserve her love, her sacrifices. I.AM.SELFISH. I can't do anything for her. I can't make her proud. I always disappoint her.

This. Staying in Spain is just for her and my family in the Philippines. The only dream I have. The only wish I want to come true, is to spoil them and give all what they want. But now, making this FVCK decision, all what I dreamt would be gone.

I'm still thinking though.

I talked to my cousins too. And they were surprised of my crying.
"Akala ko ba dapat hindi magseseryoso sa buhay, Ikaw pa nagsabi nun, tas ikaw ngayon ganyan".-Vieme

I talked and they were just listening to me all that time. I didn't feel ALONE, I should have known earlier, that I could tell them what I am going through so it wouldn't be worst like this.

When I was chatting with my cousins, my papa called.

Papa:Anak? Kamusta?
Ako:Alam mo na nga.
Papa:Uuwi na din mama mo, pumasok ka pa.
Ako:Mahirap nga.
Papa:O sandali lang ito, baka maubos na.
Ako:-------
Papa:O,wag kang umiyak.
Ako:Hindi, basta bahala na.
Papa:Uuwi na din mama mo, sandali nalang.
Ako:Matagal pa kaya.
Papa:Asan ang kapatid mo?
Ako:Andun sa sa----

Ubos load niya.

I am hoping my decision would not hurt my mother and make her sad.

Sorry, sumoko ako agad. :(

via:http://inengoinday.tumblr.com/
This thang suite me.
I cried too much yesterday, and now I have puffy eyes. GREAT!
It's been a long day.